It is still Sunday until midnight, so I did get it in under the gun.

I am feeling much better then I did last week. I do not know why I have to get sick on the weekend instead of during the week. I will try harder next time.

NL East standings--May 6th

Team           W  L     games back

New York     21  9          -----

Philadelphia  16  14            5

Atlanta          12  18           9

Washington    10  21         11.5

Florida            8    20         12

NL East Standings   May 28

Team            W     L        games back

New York     30    19            -----

Atlanta            27   23              3.5

Philadelphia     25   24              5

Washington      21  30              10

Florida             15  33             14.5

I ain't gonna lie, I was sweating the Braves for a while. IF they get some bullpen help, they can win it all this year. Yes, the Braves kool-aid is pretty good this time of year.

I know the American Idol stuff has passed, but I can't let it go without mentioning an article Jilly saw in an Alabama newspaper that said Taylor got a little over 70% of the vote!!!!!  I thought he would get 60%, but I underestimated just how bad McPhee would suck. That is three finalists from Alabama in five years. They really need to have auditions in Birmingham next season.

In other news, they have finally hired someone at work to replace me as lowly keyer so I can replace Travis as little less lowly auditor. She starts Tuesday, but I saw her badge the other day, and I am worried. She has one of those Pentecostal Jesus Mullets, and with the way we talk and the stories we tell, I give her about 45 minutes before she quits or sues all of us. sidenote: In case you don't know what a Pentecostal Jesus Mullet is, see below:

 She's the one on the right.

It is just about summer now, and all the TV shows I try to keep up with are over for the year. I could give a long review of the finales, but that is not really my way. So, here are really short reviews of my favorite TV show finales this year:

24: "Last night I had a crazy dream. I sailed away to China in a little rowboat to find you, you said you had to get your laundry clean"

American Idol:  I knew Taylor would win the night Chris was voted out, because he was the only person who was better then Taylor (not really, I am just trying to kiss Jessie's ass so she will bring me stuff from the AI Tour concert).

Lost:  I sat silent for 10 minutes after it was over. I think the writers think of everything they could possibly do, then put the ideas on a wall and throw five darts, and use those. I refuse to believe they actually know where the show is going.

CSI:  A little too gushy for my taste, but it make Jilly happy. Anything that makes Jilly that happy makes me happy, too. if you know what I mean. WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ghost Whisperer: I don't actually watch this show that much, but Jennifer Love Hewitt is hot.

See, told you.

I guess just like the TV shows, this post is over.

What's that? It's not over 'til the fat lady sings??

That is that the last time, I promise!!!

Michael

Currently Listening Miracles:Happy Summer By William Hung see related

Editor's note: Michael is feeling a little under the weather today. We do, however, have a guest columnist: Taylor Hicks!!!!!

Wooo!!! Soul Patrol!!!!! I am so happy to be guest columnist for Michael today. Soul Patrol!!!! I am sorry he is feeling badly, and I hope he is feeling better by Tuesday so he can vote. Soul Patrol!!!!

I am so excited to be in the American Idol final. I am a little surprised that I am not against Chris in the finals. I am sure that is Jessie Hamilton's fault for not voting for Chris enough, but I hope she will vote for me!!! WOOOO!!!! Soul Patrol!!!! Of all the people I could have gone up against, I would have never have bet on McPhee. Between you and me, the vote won't even be close. WOOOOO!!!! Soul Patrol!!! Even if I was not destined to win, though, it still has been an amazing few weeks. I went back home to Alabama, and thousands of people came out to see me. They had signs (which to my amazement were all spelled right) and were lined up as far as the eyes could see. Poor Mcfee, on the other hand, and a pep rally at a high school. Sad. WOOOO!!! Soul Patrol!!!

I did feel sorry for Elliott. He is a nice guy with sad teeth. I went to college at Auburn, so I know a thing or two about bad teeth (or no teeth for that matter). WOOOO!!!! Soul Patrol!!!! I hope he uses his Idol money to do something about those things.

I do have a busy couple of days, so I am going to have to run. I am practicing my songs for Tuesday. Victory is so assured that I am going to sing "The ABC Song", the theme from "Barney", and for my third song, I am just going to fart in the microphone. I will get 60% of the vote. WOOOO!!!!! Soul Patrol!!!!! Soul Patrol!!!!!!

Taylor

Have you called your mother today??? Would you mind calling mine????

The bad thing about posting once a week is by the time Sunday gets here, most of the news is old. For example, most people have already gotten over Chris being voted off American Idol. I was surprised, but it does clear the way for Taylor to win, so I am not really upset. Besides, Chris has already had many job offers. After weighing all the offers, Chris has decided to take a job with Six Flags:

Now it is time for a new feature on SWM (that is Sundays with Michael, not "swim" misspelled): Stupid internet stuff!!!!!! I hope to make this a regular feature, and there is no shortage of material. This week: Cat babysitting videos!!!! These can be found at http://catdogmovie.com/. These are videos of birds, fish, and stuff for cats to watch. They claim the cats will stare at them for hours. Please watch the preview here and take note of the part that says "these are real, live cats (not actors) watching the cat sitter video:". Don't think this would work? Just read this testimonial (bold print mine):

Greetings ~

We purchased a copy of the first Cat Sitter 2-hr video long ago, and have almost worn it out; looks like we'll have to budget for a DVD copy very soon. I have a houseful of rescued felines - plus one enormous Rottweiler who seems to think she's a cat. The animals can get rowdy, chasing each other around, bouncing off the poor dog's back, etc. Being permanently disabled, I can't catch them. But no matter - all I have to do to calm the situation down is put in the Cat Sitter video. Within minutes, every cat has settled down to watch. We have two deaf cats who can't hear the enticing sounds; however, if we carry them into the room where they can see the television screen, they will instantly lock in and watch the entire tape.

I'm sure you receive mountains of thank you letters, but I want you to know that I could not manage these rescued animals without the help of your video. Because of your product, these cats can live with me while we search for permanent homes for them. Otherwise, they would've ended up at the city pound - and dead within 3 days. When I say your video is a lifesaver, I mean every word.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Best regards,
(name withheld by me to spare her any more embarrassment)

Finally, I want to say happy mother's day to the best mom in the world, my wife Jilly, and well as to the baddest mother:

Shut your mouth!!!!!

Til next week,

Michael

Currently Reading How to Rebuild Your Volkswagen air-Cooled Engine (All models, 1961 and up) By Tom Wilson see related

I am still not 100% sure I like the colors, but it is not black anymore.....

I was a history major in college, and one thing I learned is that you cannot go forward without knowing where you have been. Therefore, before starting full bore into "Sundays with Michael", I wanted to take a look back at "The Night Shift" one last time. With that in mind, I give you the return of The Randoms!!!!!!

...........There has been a lot of talk about building a fence on the US-Mexico to keep illegals out of the country. After going out to eat yesterday, I think the fence should be built between here and redneck, backwoods Murray County next door. I know most of you know nothing about Murray County. Just know that every southern-backwood-redneck-marrying your cousin joke ever told about the south applies to Murray County. I hate rednecks the same way Bill Cosby hates Gangsta Rap.

........I have a casino game for the computer, but it won't work without the disc. I have no idea where the disc is at right now. I am pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa has it.

........Right now, Jilly and the girls are at a baby shower at her church. The boy is singing with the CD player in the next room. I would never make fun of my only son's voice, but William Hung is on the phone right now talking about forming a duo group.

......My cable box is not working. I think it is because I have not paid the bill in two months. They cut off the box, but the cable still works. You just have to unhook the cable from the box and put it directly into the TV. They are retarded.

All right, enough of that, now for some real fun!!!!!!!

American Idol is down the the final four. I liked Paris, but I am not surprised she is gone. As famous as Taylor, Chris, Elliott, and Kat are right now, in five years no one will remember them. "Sundays with Michael" has the amazing ability to travel into the future to see the fate of the final four. In five years:

Kat will be involved in scandal:

I guess she learned nothing from a few weeks ago.

Elliott will be doing celebrity impressions:

"All right, I get it, I have bad teeth!!!!!!"

Chris will be in commercials:

"I'm not only the hair club president, I'm also a client"

The future is still a little fuzzy for Taylor, but it must be something great, they are naming schools after him!!!!!. I'll bet it is something like this:

Well, I guess the post is over for today. Wait, what was that? It isn't over 'til the fat lady sings????

OK, now it's over!!!!

Til next week,

Michael

Currently Listening Hooked on Pan Flute By Simion Luca see related

       THIS IS IT!!!!!!! THE FINAL EDITION OF THE NIGHT SHIFT!!!!!!!

Don't panic loyal reader(s). I am just tired of staring at the black. It's too depressing. Look for a revamped page next week.

Since I have moved the update day to Sunday, the shift (I am gonna miss the shift) has been going a lot better. It has taken almost a cult-like status all across the nation. I got to thinking about it a little and realized I could almost make my own religion out of the Night Shift (note, this is parody!!!!!!). Hey, if L. Ron Hubbard could do it.....

First, I need a god. After yesterday, that one is easy:

Vince Young is already pointing upward, leading all of us to the promised land (which I hope is the Super Bowl). His supernatural speed and arm strength could only come from a god. Zeus himself is envious of the power of Vince. (As a side note, by the time you read this, Steve McNair will no longer be part of the team. I know business is business, but it is still a sad day. Thank you, Steve).

Like every god, Vince needs a prophet, someone to spread the word to the masses. I got that covered, too:

Yes, Earl Hickey, spreader of the truth. I know it means my religion is nothing but new-age-karma inspired-do good- fluff, but most made up religions are. It is just too bad Earl wants to have his meetings at the same time as "CSI".

We also need a parable, something to pass on to future generations to show our made up religion in action. Here you go:

I was at work Friday night, and had to go into the printer room. This room is almost all the way on the other side of the building, and there is no one around there at night. While I was standing in there, I had to.......well, fart for lack of a better word (I am sure there are better words, but saying "fart" always makes you smile). There is no one around, so I don't hold back. I think I even lifted my leg a little. Just as I finished and turned around, I saw Christina (yes, the same Christiana who stole my second shift job) standing right behind me. In case you missed it...I FARTED ON CHRISTINA!!!!! That, my friends, is Karma, just like the prophet Earl said.

Finally, in the spirit of the religious references, I will now play "A thief in the night"

Until next week (but the last time as the Night Shift)

Michael